Ambrosius Fang explains how to take good care of your furless friend
The humans have bought a new house. Now they’re inviting other humans around to look at the house they already have.
Why humans need to have more than one house is beyond me. I have one basket, it fits me, Siegfried and a rubber chicken comfortably and I have no plans to replace it unless it wears out.
Nevertheless, since the humans have decided to upsize, it has fallen to me to manage the process. Here are some points to consider if your humans are planning to change house:
If all goes well, you should be moving your humans to their new home shortly. Remember to keep them indoors for the first couple of weeks so they don’t wander off.
As mentioned in my previous post, the humans got married in November. Once all the planning was done and the moral support given, Siegfried and I took ourselves off for a well earned break at our favourite resort - Homelands Kennels (www.homelandsboarding.com). We got to relax, get some sunshine, network with friends and enjoy not having to take care of the humans for a couple of weeks. It was bliss.
We weren’t in the official wedding photographs as we were on our holiday, but Rosie put her wedding dress back on to take some family snaps in the garden. Here is my favourite:
My apologies for the lack of postings recently.
Rosie and Matt are getting married in just over a month, so naturally it has fallen to me to supervise proceedings and provide emotional support. This has been time consuming, to say the least.
Rosie in particular is getting a bit worried about the number of E-Mails she needs to send. For the unenlightened, these are ‘electronic messages’ - a bit like lifting one’s leg on a lamp post to signify one’s presence, only not as pungent. Anyway, Rosie needs to be distracted from time to time to stop the E-Mails getting to her.
I have a number of methods I can call upon in times of high stress. One of the most effective is whining, loudly, until I am picked up, and then placing my paws on the keyboard. Every technically-savvy dog knows that if mashed with vigour, this will cause the computer to restart itself, encouraging your human to take a break and lowering stress levels.
Additionally, one’s human can be encouraged to take micropauses - good for preventing damage to the hands from overuse. Fetch your rubber chicken, if you have one, and place it carefully on the human’s feet. If you do not have a rubber chicken, a shoe, lavatory brush or writing instrument will do. The human will pause to throw the rubber chicken/shoe/brush/pen away and resume their activity. Repeat at least once every ten minutes for optimum stress reduction.
As you can see, a dog’s role in special event planning is very busy, yet rewarding. The humans are glad to know that I am fully engaged and doing whatever I can to look after them at this very busy, yet exciting time.
I submitted Lottie to ‘Get out of there cat’ a little while ago. As you can see, she has been published!
I don’t think she is overly impressed at my using her photograph for my ill-gotten gains. This is partly because she doesn’t feel dignified being observed squashing an elephant, and partly because this is not her good side, or so she says.
One could perhaps argue that this is not the elephant’s most glamorous shot either, but that is a debate for another day.
As an aside, I would like to make it quite clear that I do not slobber.
Cats. Where they do not belong.
get off of there cat. that is the dog’s toy. why would you want to play with that anyway cat it has his slobber all over it.
Like all the inhabitants of Wellington, I must admit to getting a bit excited when we had three solid days of snow in the capital. It hasn’t snowed properly in Wellington since the 1970s so we all got quite excited. Our street was completely covered in snow and ice, which made it pretty difficult to take the humans out much - they were bored and fractious. However, after seeing Matt carefully down the steep, icy drive on his way to work on the third day, Siegfried and I had some time to play in the snow.
It was excellent.
So, if you have humans and you live in a climate that is snow-prone in the winter, remember to plan ahead. Keep a few treats and favourite toys squirrelled away so that you can keep the humans entertained if you get snowed in. Make sure you have a good supply of canned foods in case you are unable to trot down to the supermarket - I suggest sardines garnished with baked beans for the humans and liver and kidney for you.
When you let the humans out in the snow, make sure they are dressed for the elements. Gloves, hats, scarves, waterproof jackets, thermals, sunblock, snowshoes, socks made of mammoth fur and anything else you can think of. With any luck, when they come inside they will be so worn out from making snowmen and having snowball fights you’ll be able to put them in front of a DVD and get back to your copy of Woof and Peace.
If you have the time on the weekend, why not take your humans to the beach?
The beach is great for fresh air, exercise and entertainment if your humans happen to be bored on their days off from work. Summer or winter, providing the weather is reasonable, your beach can provide hours of fun.
Remember to dress your human appropriately as coastal weather can be unpredictable. While you might not notice the cold, remember that your human doesn’t have fur and may in some cases refuse to get out of the car if you haven’t taken the trouble to insist he wears enough layers.
Try to get your human interested in the waves. If he’s uncertain at first, try wading in yourself to show that it is safe. Your human will soon be frolicking happily in the shallows and getting rid of all that excess energy.
Protecting your humans from strangers with cameras is important.
As you can see, this piggy is doing a good job. I wonder whether he has any tips on human care from a piggy perspective?
I think maybe he has been enjoying too much tiramisu, though, which is not a particularly good example. Your humans will do as you do, everyone.
(via allcreatures)all creatures [great and small]
Hi Ambrosius Fang,mayyeeliu
I am Hanzo "Blade of Steel" human. He asked that I write you to let you know that he really enjoys your blog and to let you know that you're very very adorable.
How kind of you to pass on the message! Please tell Hanzo that I am very touched. It is a shame that we are not even on the same continent, otherwise we could meet up and take the humans for a walk. I would like to visit New York as I hear that the cuisine is simply extraordinary there.
However, I am lucky to live in Wellington, NZ where we have more cafes per capita than anywhere in the world.
Perhaps Hanzo will take you on a special trip to New Zealand one day? I certainly hope so.
With fond wishes,
Mr. Ambrosius Fang
Humans love to play.
Playtime is important for bonding with your human, but it can have other benefits too.
As you can see from the photo above, I like to make playtime with my humans quite physical. That way, I save on an expensive gym membership by keeping in shape at home. I can easily work off a few extra biscuits this way if I have overindulged. Also, if I’ve been busy during the day or it’s been raining and I haven’t been able to walk Rosie and Matt, vigorous play gives them enough exercise without having to leave the house.
Initiate play by leaping up and taking objects from your human’s hands. This works best if they are not expecting it. Make sure that the object you plan to focus on isn’t likely to be damaged - few things will upset your humans as much as a broken toy and you will likely have to handle a grumpy or weepy human for days if not weeks in the case of accidental breakage. Once you have grasped the item in your mouth, pull hard, growl and try to run away with the toy. Your human will most likely follow you. Repeat until your human is tired.
Remember that whichever exercise you choose for your human, it is important to make sure it happens daily. Nothing spoils an evening relaxing with a copy of Woof Monthly so much as an overexcited human who hasn’t had a chance to burn off energy.
It is always nice to have some help looking after your humans if you can afford it. Siegfried and I like to have some grownup time without the humans every so often - time to catch up with friends or go out to dinner. When this happens, we leave Matt and Rosie in the capable hands of Lottie, our human care assistant.
Lottie is an older cat, so Siegfried and I decided to engage her part time. She lives in house so we can call on her at a moment’s notice if necessary, and when she is not working she spends plenty of time outside enjoying the fresh air and birdsong.
Lottie has a bit of a temper, so it is always wise to approach her carefully without causing fright or offense. Unlike Siegfried, Lottie does not appreciate being jumped on or barked at in order to get her attention, and may hiss or swipe when this occurs.
However, despite her occasional irritability, Lottie’s skill with the humans is second to none. She is a very gentle and persuasive carer, silently moving about the house to make sure good behaviour is maintained. From her position on the warmest lap, she will carefully monitor any television being watched by the humans to ensure it contains no inappropriate material. When Siegfried and I return, Lottie carefully debriefs us on everything that has occurred in our absence.